Student 1's Friend: "Whoa! Is that your calculator?"
Student 2: "Yeah, that's the calculator that we use for this class?"
Student 1's Friend: "It looks like you can do a lot of stuff with this."
Student 1 [nodding]: "Uh-huh. That's the calculator that gets you babes." (12/18/23)
Student 1 [entering the class]: "Mister, you're back."
Me [acknowledging my absence from class yesterday]: "Yes. Was everything OK while I was gone?"
Student 1: "Ye...NO. MISTER! There was a really bad joke written on your board yesterday."
Me [fearing the worst]: "What!? Do I even want to know what it said?"
Student 1: "It said that you were actually on campus at room P-10."
Me [relieved]: "Oh, that's pretty cruel."
Student 1 "Yeah so me and Student 2 and Student 3 all went down there."
Me: "Oh no."
Student 1: "We knocked on the door and when it opened you weren't there!"
Me: "I know. I wasn't on campus at all yesterday."
Student 1: "But you know who was there? Mr. Lau! It was such a bad joke." (12/15/23)
Student 1: "Do you have a microwave?"
Me [puzzled]: "No, why?"
Student 1: "You seem like you're a 'secret microwave' kinda guy."
Student 2: "And a fridge." (12/13/23)
Student 1: "Mister, I feel sorry for you. Don't you feel lonely?"
Me: "What? Where did this come from?"
Student 1: "Because you told us that you're lonely."
Me: "No. I've never said that."
Student 2 [turns around to face Student 1]: "He said he doesn't have any kids. That's a big difference."
Student 3: "Yeah, Mister's not lonely. He has a dog."
Student 1: "Oh, is that what he said?"
Me: "I've never said to any of my students that I'm lonely."
Student 1: "Oh."
Student 3: "Student 1, I think you're projecting. Are YOU lonely? Do you need a friend?" (12/12/23)
Me [to Teacher after school]: "Do you know what happened to the dog that was in the stairwell this morning?"
Teacher: "No. Do you?"
Me: "No. I saw it in the stairwell this morning and called the office about it. Students said that it was gone by 2nd period."
Teacher: "Yeah, I gave him my lunch right before recess so I think he was pretty happy." (12/11/23)
Student 1: "Mister, where do you live?"
Students 2 & 3: "Whoa!" "That's a really personal thing to be asking!"
Student 1 [slightly embarrassed]: "Sorry, I didn't mean it that way."
Me: "It's OK."
Student 1 [before I could answer further]: "Sorry Mister, I won't ask you where you live. But hypothetically...if you were driving, how long would it take you to get home from here?" (12/8/23)
Student 1: "My top three teachers are... [teachers' names]."
Student 2: "Mmm. Yeah, I would agree except I like [teacher name] too."
Student 1: "Wait, is it racist that two of my top three teachers are Asian?" (12/7/23)
Student 1 [to me]: "My quote book has three more entries just from this class."
Me: "Three!?"
Student 1 [opens the notes app in her phone and points to Student 2]: "This guy said, 'My toes are built.'"
Me [looking at Student 2's toes]: "They are?"
Student 2 [immediately pulling his feet under his chair]: "Mister! Stop proofreading my toes!"
Student 1 [looks at me, smiles then starts typing into her phone]: "FOUR!" (12/5/23)
Student 1 [after talking with Student 2 about prom]: "Mister, do you have any prom pictures?"
Me [pointing to the wall of prom pictures from my former and current students]: "Sure."
Student 1: "No. I mean from when you were in high school."
Me: "No."
Student 1: "Why not? Do you have any friends?" (12/5/23)
[Trigger warning. Don't read this if you're sensitive about threats to schools]
Student 1 [reading my announcements on the board]: "Wait, there's a lockdown drill today?"
Me: "Yes."
Student 1: "What a waste of time!"
Me: "What?"
Student 2: "Don't say that. What if there's an actual shooter on campus?"
Student 1 [smiling]: "C'mon, school shooters are crazy, but no shooter is crazy enough to climb up to the third floor." (12/4/23)
Student 1 [looking at the picture that another student drew of Mt. Everest with my class at the top]: "That's Mister's class right there."
Student 2: "Yeah, the air is thinner up here."
Student 1: "It's so far from everything. It's like Machu Picchu."
Student 2 [who knows I like to hike]: "Mister! Have you ever been to Machu Picchu."
Me: "No. I don't want to."
Student 2: "Why not?"
Me: "Why would I want to go there when I can just come to this classroom?" (12/1/23)
Student 1 [to his peers who were easily distracted from starting their project]: "Hey, guys. Hurry up. Let's start."
Student 2: "Yeah, c'mon. You guys are slower than a chicken nugget." (11/30/23)
Student: "Mister, I took the SAT once. I don't think you'd be happy with me."
Me: "Why?"
Student: "I did better on the English section than I did the math section."
Me [shrugging]: "That happens. I'm not disappointed with you."
Student: "Really? [starts laughing] I tried my best on the math section and got the worst score, but I didn't even try on the English section and got the best score." (11/8/23)
Student 1: "Mister, do you play Pokemon Go?"
Me: "No."
Student 1: "Why not? [teacher name] does it."
Me: "I'm not [teacher name]."
Student 1: Yeah, but [teacher name] is so cool because he plays it."
Student 2: "Wow! Are you saying that Mister Hwang is not cool?" (11/27/23)
Student: "I was complaining about this class when this girl said that she lives up the street from you...and that you have a dog. You have a dog?"
Me: "Yes."
Student: "HOW COME YOU NEVER TOLD US YOU HAVE A DOG!?" (11/27/23)
Student 1: "Do you want to hear my appendix pick up line?"
Student 2 [groaning]: "No. I already heard it, remember?"
Student 1 [to me]: "Mister, do you want to hear my appendix pick up line? I'm very proud of it."
Me [trepidatiously]: "Sure."
Student 1 [stands up straighter]: "Hey girl, are you my appendix? Because you make my stomach feel things, and I want to take you out."
Student 3 [shaking her head]: "No. Just no." (11/22/23)
Me: "So what buttons [on the calculator] would you push to get there?"
Student 1: "Math, Alpha, Math."
Me: 'Good."
Student 2: "Oh! That's like a math sandwich." (11/20/23)
Student 1: "I saw this video about people who were speed dating, and there was a butt on the table."
Student 2 [before Student 1 could finish]: "Whoa! What kind of videos are you watching?"
Student 1: "No. It just popped up."
Student 3 [before Student 1 could finish]: "Why would a butt pop up on the table?"
Student 1: "No, I meant the video just popped up on my feed. Wait, what kind of videos do you think I'm watching?"
Student 2: "Uh...I don't think you want to be talking about videos of butts in school."
Student 1: "Butts!? I said button. Button on the table." (11/17/23)
Me: "Hey, I heard you were saying that I'm your nemesis."
Student: "What!? How did you find out? Who told you?"
Me: "So you're not denying it?"
Student: "No, wait!? That's not what I meant. Who told you?" (11/16/23)
"I had a dream that I was Tongan." - Comment from a high school student to his friend during lunch. (11/15/23)
