Me [to 3 students racing to try and finish their exam after the bell rang for school to be over]: "Finish your last question and turn it in. I'd kinda like to go home, you know."
Student: "You can't. You're being held hostage by your students." (10/31/23)
Student 1: "If you showed up [to the school's Halloween activity], they would've asked you to be in the dunking booth."
Me: "So it's good that I didn't go."
Student 1: "They should have had the principal do the dunking booth."
Student 2: "They should have had [vice principal name] do it."
Student 1: "No way. She scares me."
Student 2: "That's why they should have her do it."
Student 1: "It's scary how she just spawns out of nowhere and goes 'Do you have your pass?'" (10/30/23)
Student [in a hushed tone after class]: "Mister, I have a question. It's not math related."
Me: "Sure. What's up?"
Student [pointing to the quotes on the board]: "What are those for?"
Me: "The quotes?"
Student: "Yeah. I see them all the time, but I never know what it's for."
Me: "It's just funny stuff my students say in class."
Student: "Oh? Your students say that?"
Me [nodding]: "Yup. It's so random, right?"
Student [eyes widening and nodding in agreement]: "Yeah. They say some really weird stuff." (10/23/23)
Student: "Mister. You were in my dream last night. You were a giant egg."
Me: "What? Was I teaching math as an egg?"
Student: "Yeah. You were a floating, talking egg." (10/20/23)
Student [frantically trying to complete her work right before the deadline]: “Don’t worry Mister. I’m almost done. I promise I didn’t do this on purpose.”
Me: “Uh…I’m pretty sure you did.”
Student: “WHAT!? This is so stressful, why would I do this on purpose?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure, you’re the one who I talked to in class to get you to do your work and you looked me straight in the eye and said, ‘I don’t want to do my work right now. I’m procrastinating.’”
Student: “Oh…you’re right. I did say that.” (10/28/23)
Student [enters the classroom on the first day after Fall Break]: “Mister! I can’t complain about the stairs any more.”
Me: “Oh?”
Student: “Yeah. I realize they’re not that bad.”
Me: “What made you realize this?”
Student: “My cousins took me to hike Diamond Head over break…yeah, that’s way harder than climbing those stairs.” (10/16/23)
Me [to Student 1 who was whistling a tune mindlessly in class]: "Jurassic Park?"
Student 1: "Huh?"
Me: "Jurassic Park? Are you whistling the theme from Jurassic Park?"
Student 1: "Oh, yeah. At first I thought I heard you say 'Jurassic Bark'."
Student 2 [laughing]: "Bro. Imagine a movie with giant dinosaur sized dogs chasing people."
Me: "I'd watch that. What would the reboots be called? Something that rhymes with 'world'."
Student 3: "Squirrel?"
Student 1 [laughing]: "Jurassic Squirrel? So then it would be giant dogs versus giant squirrels?"
Student 2 and me: "I would totally watch that." (10/6/23)
Student [with a mischievous smile]: "Mister, what did your voice sound like before?"
Me: "Huh? What are you talking about?"
Student: "Do you have any recordings of what you sounded like before you lost your voice?"
Me: "Yes. Why are you asking?"
Student [smiling even wider]: "Can we hear it? I saw a picture of you when you had hair so I was wondering what it would've been like to see you with hair AND hear your normal voice." (10/5/23)
At 8:20 in the middle of class, every student's cell phones begin blaring from a national test signal.
Student [as everyone around her scrambles to shut their phone notification off]: "Hey! Mine didn't go off."
Me [jokingly since two of her classmates sitting nearby have nearly the same phone]: "It's because you have an Android phone."
Student: "What!? Are you saying I'm going to die first since I won't get an alert since I have an Android phone?"
Me: "Whoa! That got dark. No, it just means that..."
Student's phone starts buzzing.
Student: "Oh, hey! I did get the alert. I guess I won't be dying after all." (10/4/23)
Me: "Did your sister [a former student] serve a mission?"
Student: "Yeah. She just got back...this summer? last summer? just a few months ago."
Me: "She's back already!? Man, that was fast. Did she change a lot?"
Student: "Yeah. She's more...mature. Like she's not as mean."
Me [laughing]: "Was she mean before? I don't remember her being very immature."
Student: "She's more generous now. Before if I borrowed her clothes, she would yell at me. Now she's OK with it...sometimes. When she does get mad, I just tell her, 'You should go on another mission.'" (10/3/23)
Student [after sharpening her pencil]: "Why does your sharpener do that?"
Me: "Hm? Oh, you mean why does it still spin when you take out your pencil?"
Student: "Yeah. Shouldn't it stop when you take the pencil out."
Me: "Yeah, but it's been like that for years. I think the sensor that detects the pencil is broken."
Student: "I think it's just possessed." (10/2/23)
Student 1: "Mister, are there any scholarships for straight white men with OK grades?"
Student 2 [laughing]: "Student 1 and his white male privilege."
Student 3 [laughing]: "Mister gave you so many chances to get your grades up last year."
Student 1 [sighs dejectedly]: "Yeah... I guess I should've done my work in all my classes." (9/28/23)
Student 1 [entering the classroom]: "They wouldn't be able to hurt us."
Student 2 [entering behind Student 1]: "Yeah, they could. They're smart. They could totally figure out how to pull a trigger."
Student 1: "That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that their fingers would be too big to fit in the trigger guard so they wouldn't be able to pull the trigger even if they figured out that's what they had to do."
Me: "???"
Student 2 [laughing]: "Oh, sorry. We're just talking about what would happen if we armed gorillas." (9/27/23)
Student 1: "Is there anything I can do to raise my grade?"
Me: "No, not right now."
Student 1: "Is there any extra credit I could do?"
Me: "No."
Student 1: "Do you round grades?"
Me: "No."
Student 1: "So you won't round my 88% to a 90%?"
Me: "That's not how rounding works."
Student 1 [a few minutes later]: "Mister, does your car need washing?"
Student 2 [to Student 1]: "DUDE! It's just a quarter grade. You have all of next quarter to do your work and get your grade up." (9//26/23)
Student 1 [enters the classroom and sees my announcement that the first quarter ends next week]: "What!? We're done with one quarter already?"
Student 2 [a high school senior]: "Yeah. I can't wait for this year to be over."
Student 3 [another high school senior]: "Really? Honestly, if I could stay here for another four years that would be great." (9/25/23)
Student: "Mister, [teacher name] gave me a bag of stale cheetos today."
Me: "Um...OK."
Student: "When I looked closer, I saw that there was a hole in the bag. Do you think I could sue them?"
Me: "If you do, almost all your teachers will stop giving food to their students."
Student: "...oh." (9/20/23)
Student 1 [bounds into my classroom]: "MISTER! I have to tell you what happened in [class name] today."
Student 2 [laughing]: "No, [teacher name] was so embarrassed when it happened."
Me: "That's OK, you don't have to tell me anything."
Students 1 and 2 go about their business without saying anything more.
Student 3 [enters my classroom a few minutes later]: "Mister, we were in class today talking about presidents who were impeached. We started talking about Clinton and how he was impeached."
Student 1 [finishes the story]: "And later when [teacher name] was talking about Clinton in the Oval Office, they said 'Oral Office' instead."
Students 1, 2 and 3 burst out laughing. "It's like the worst slip they could've made but also the best at the same time." (9/18/23)
"Mister! You got heart attacked!" - Exclamation from a high school student as he entered the classroom after he saw the assortment of hearts with positive messages pasted next to my door. (9/15/23)
Student [enters my class during lunch and sees a lot of seats taken]: "Mister, why are there so many students here?"
Me: "They're doing their test."
Student: "What test? Oh...Calculus. Can you make their tests easier so they don't have to come in here during lunch and take up all the seats?" (9/14/23)
Student 1 [enters the classroom during lunch]: "WHOA! YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW."
Student 2 and Student 3 [excitedtly]: "What?" "What did you see?"
Student 1: "I just saw almost half the football team in [Teacher's Name]'s room. I don't think I've ever seen something like that before." (9/13/23)
